Whale Humour

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink”.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whale realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,
“let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen”

Little April at Sunday School

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through class.

One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention in class.

She called on her while she was napping.

Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, Little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.

GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our lord and saviour?”

But April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
 
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very Good,”

And April fell back asleep.
 
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had had their twenty third child?”

And again Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOU’RE A#SE!”

The teacher fainted!

For Brazil Fans!

Before a football match between Argentina and Brazil,an Argentinean condom company came up with this ad to show the Brazilians what they were going to do to them.

Brazil won the match and their Football organization replied to the ad.

 

Don’t Leave it too Long!

One Reason Why You Shouldn’t Get Drunk!

Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and have a few cocktails.

They taste good, so you have a few more and then the DJ puts on ‘I Will Survive,’ so you’re off on the dance floor .

After an hour or so, when ‘Heart of Glass’ has finished, and more modern music comes on , you come back to the group for a rest and another cocktail or three

You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at you. You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two of you.

YOU buy him a drink.

He likes a woman who is not afraid to buy a man a drink. He approaches you to chat and you get on really well.

When the time seems perfect for both of you, he leans over and kisses you .

You have never been kissed like this before, an electric kiss and a tingle shudders through your entire body and you don’t want it to stop.
“I don’t usually do this sort of thing,” you hear yourself saying, “but I’ve never felt like this before.

Do you want to come back to my place?”

You wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep , to go to the toilet , last night’s memories slightly blurred

You look at yourself in the mirror , make an “ugh” sound. .

As you’re sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a night of passion  flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in love last night .

With a smile on your face , you stand up and walk back to the bedroom and see…

(Oh my God>>>>I swear I will NEVER drink again!!!!!)

The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree

smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past

 

  and looks up and says

“Hey Koala !   what are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”

So the koala looks down at him and says:

“Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk dude…….how much water did you drink?!!

Don’t Read This if you are a Waxing Virgin!

All  hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the  wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in  my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of  the medicine cabinet.” So I headed to the site of my demise: the  bathroom.

It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot  wax,you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.  (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,”yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t
too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin  extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.  After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate  hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the  toilet.  Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right  side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m  blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I  notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another  deep breath and RRIIP!!! Everything is  swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe,  breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered  strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking  to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I  hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE  WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I  see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my  body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make  the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I  know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear  the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed  shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My  head  may pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub – the water is  slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize  surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your  nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued  to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t  melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I  had cement- epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who  had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the  bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and  has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter – “So, my butt and *hoo-hoo*   are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret  tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants  to  know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or  *hoo-hoo*?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her  the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
“,0] ); //–> then  dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity  has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling  for this event.

My friend is still talking with me  when I finally see my saving
grace….the lotion they give you to remove the  excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens  out of my friend.

It’s sooo painful, I but I really don’t care. “IT  WORKS!! It works!!” I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she  hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice  to my grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF  IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing  hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m  going to try hair color…… Now that’s funny …….. Notttttttttt  !!!

Letters from the Heart!

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow.

Get a Rise from the Dead!

What do Men Wear Under Their Kilt?

They know!