Don’t Read This if you are a Waxing Virgin!

All  hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the  wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in  my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of  the medicine cabinet.” So I headed to the site of my demise: the  bathroom.

It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot  wax,you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.  (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,”yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t
too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin  extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.  After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate  hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the  toilet.  Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right  side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m  blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I  notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another  deep breath and RRIIP!!! Everything is  swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe,  breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered  strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking  to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I  hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE  WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I  see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my  body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make  the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I  know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear  the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed  shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My  head  may pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub – the water is  slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize  surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your  nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued  to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t  melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I  had cement- epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who  had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the  bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and  has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter – “So, my butt and *hoo-hoo*   are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret  tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants  to  know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or  *hoo-hoo*?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her  the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
“,0] ); //–> then  dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity  has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling  for this event.

My friend is still talking with me  when I finally see my saving
grace….the lotion they give you to remove the  excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens  out of my friend.

It’s sooo painful, I but I really don’t care. “IT  WORKS!! It works!!” I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she  hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice  to my grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF  IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing  hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m  going to try hair color…… Now that’s funny …….. Notttttttttt  !!!